A random day in the life of a HSP Empath...
Dolebury Warren, Mendips.
Surfing the waves of Life!
What a f**king roller coaster ride it is to be an Empath, especially with relationships!! SO f**king painful sometimes, yet, once I am healed I seem to be open to the slaughter – again! “WTF is wrong with me, why do I do this to myself?!” I say to myself some days... When it's bad, but when it's good, my God it's the most blissful experience to me. Talk about a romantic!
At 36 I'm man-free and child-free still, however, I do have my freedom which I know so many dream of, so I am grateful even if this makes me sad some days, it's ok to be sad. As well as needing time alone and loving it, I just love sharing moments with someone, day trips, adventures in the outdoors, a cuddle on the sofa etc.
For me being a creative empath, some days it feels like the most magical, blissful, euphoric experience. Feeling utter joy, an abundance of love, zest and being utterly in awe of the magic of life. Then on the darker days it feels like the most painful experience and “WTF am I still doing here in this shit show called life that feels like the most torturous thing and why would I keep doing this to myself!!”
For some years I have bounced between, “surely everyone feels like this too?!”, WRONG! Because when I have tried to express this people look at me fuuny. Apparently MOST humans don't or they have their own version of this, normally dialled down a lot. Some humans are very lucky to never have experienced the feeling of wanting to die – that just baffles me! I have wanted to end it on many occasions because of the intensity of how I am feeling. And it almost feels like it's physical pain, but there are some, like my late Gran who apparently never thought it once – maybe it's a generation thing or a spectrum thing?! My brother did sadly go the whole way days before his 31st.
I have a deep knowing that not matter how bad I felt and wanted it, contemplated how, felt close to the temptation, I would never follow through. My heart is so deeply saddened by those that do. I want to write a blog around suicide or perhaps more than one as it needs to be normalised, it's an everyday occurrence that can be avoided. I think I heard 11 men a day kill themselves... that's just heartbreaking beyond words.
For some reason despite my heart being broken and disappointed so many times I have lost count, I still have some kind of knowing the right guy MUST be out there somewhere, surely? But, if he's not... Then I shall just get on with my life and enjoy the roller coaster ride of life.
I did have a theme for today's blog, but it seems a bit messy this morning but then it's all a bit messy in my head right now, processing a break up (and man, there's a lot for me to process being a HSP Empath! Talk about exhausting!!), needing to get my stuff from theirs, wanting to paint, write, put my paintings online, blog, work on my website, dreading winter, stare into space, journal, cry... Gosh, it is overwhelming to be me some days, but I am NOT alone!! Thankfully I have been meeting some spectacular HSP Empaths these last few months, found my peeps! And they so relate to the intense ups and downs that being an Empath brings.
When I am having the downs I wish I was dead or a normal human, but then when I'm up I wouldn't change it for the world because so few people experience the utter joy and excitement for life like I do, and I have that for free, so many need substances or to do activities to create half of that feeling where mine can be from just seeing the first bumble bee of the year, swimming in the sea, to exploring a new part of nature or when someone does a nice gesture that feels you with such love and gratitude for life.
The highs would not be so high if it wasn't for the lows and I would not bask in them and be so grateful for the highs if it wasn't for the lows, but man when you're in the lows, it's just a case of WTF, why me screaming at the sky. But as Churchill says “When you're in hell, just keep going” and I always come out the other side, a stronger more aware version of myself.
All in all, despite the miserable suffocating downs, I wouldn't change who I am because it is magical even if it's not everyday. Life isn't linear, we are taught that it is, then we grow up and realise it does come with ups and downs for everyone (some more than others) and that's ok, it's NORMAL! It's called life, mother nature certainly isn't linear and we are part of that ecosystem of seasons. So we need to embrace our own seasons, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.
Keep loving yourself please and meeting your heartfelt needs.
